I have a feeling SO MANY WOMEN are going to identify with this essay TOO FREAKING MUCH, OMG. I have given what you (Lyz) said about how we are conditioned to recenter women’s issues around men… it’s honestly breaking my brain a bit. When I was married, and make no mistake I knew who I was marrying, I believed that it was the right thing to do to give up things because the person I married had never had the opportunity to pursue the things that I had - higher education, white collar work, stability in a home life… I put my life on hold for decades so he could experience those things. And he’s grateful, don’t get me wrong. I showed him what a family could look like and that you could, in fact, depend on people. But, it was all at my own expense.
I never felt anything so hard as what Emily wrote about abandoning her book proposal because it “wasn’t worth the domestic drama.” OY. I started school 10+ years ago to become a Marriage and Family Therapist and quit a few classes in because it was taking too much time away from my relationship and there was so. much. drama.
We finally got divorced in 2016, after 13 years. I dabbled with two guys who needed fixing. Too much drama. Then, ex and I got back together in 2018, and he moved back in before the pandemic, and moved back out in March of 2022. I started school again in April of 2021 for a masters in Organizational Leadership. The relationship could not handle me dedicating so much time and energy into something that wasn’t him. (And his not-so-secret “secret” drinking was always an issue) We still see each other, but we’re friends. I kept the house because I love this house, and I made it mine. I will graduate in June with a masters degree. I feel free to pursue what *I* want to pursue. He’ll help. He loves our dog. He visits all the time. We spend time together, but I have to remember that I can’t stop what I’m doing to my own detriment. It’s easy to fall back into old patterns, and I have to be really conscious with that relationship. We’ve both had a LOT of therapy, before, during, after, and currently. There’s a lot of love still there, but I won’t sacrifice myself for his benefit anymore.
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